I'd like to hatchet its head off,
Gut it, grind it, grill it.
Then ship all the chum to yer lump-laden mum,
To compliment her again on what a fine job she’s done.

Call me when your dog dies.
Call me when your dog dies.

Call me when yer cat croaks,
Ahh… yer a scruffy lass!
Much like yerself, he always jumps in my lap.
He lends me a scratch promptly repaid wif a slap.

Kitty spray pervades yer apartment along with urinal disgroant.
If that's what the pussy you love smells like,
What about the one you don't?

Call me when your cat croaks.
Call me when your cat croaks.

Lumpy litter box reeks beneath your bathroom sink.
A worried woman waft wif third world stink.
Flea-ridden, matted, canine hair fetor,
I ain't smelled nothing like it since the war.

"Love me, love my dog" you say.
I'd rather crown ya both.
Me eyes are puffed,
I'm sneezing hard,
There's gravel in my throat.

Hard to disregard the stench without excess libation.
Let's call off the drilling 'til after post pet fumigation.
Call me when your dog dies.
Call me when your dog dies.